angels smile

To do the best you can...

This phrase stuck in my head. Literally.
Its all started with an episode I had I my life, its quite nasty, so yeah I am gonna skip it. For the good of others. All right, the thing is after those dark times, I need to focused myself, my mind, basically I need to rearrange my live. I need things to keep me reminded that it isn't over yet.

So, that beat-up-self-disappointed-me going for a love hunt. Too bad for me its not working quite well. Its such a bad decision. I forget, finding someone to keep you remember that its gonna be okay isn't solve the problems. Its just make you forget about all of those things.

You're probably have a question right now, what goes wrong? Well I tell you what. Everything!

I lied to the only person who cared about me, I lied to make me feel better, I keep making mistakes and she finally can't take it anymore. I messed what already broken, I drowned deeper than I already have. Basically I am nothing different from a loser.

Well, about she, the one that has an "angels smile". I think I gonna tell you a little about her. I fell for her. Its like, you know, finding a light in the darkness of your own heart. She came when I need someone to stand behind me, she came when I need her the most. I loved her, even now. Yeah, that's sound cheesy. I don't care what you think, really. No offense.

So, she did asked me to stay away from her. But at that moment, I don't do it. I am turning into a selfish bastard, I don't even care about what she feel, the only thing I care was how to make me feel happy. How to make me forget, and eventually, being around her make me feel better. Even though its a false feeling.

I am a damage goods. I am doing no good to others and that no good part are happening to her. She said that what I am doing is make she feel depressed, unhappy, constrained, etc. At that moment I started to think maybe its better if I am just go, you know, like leaving. But I am not ready. Until there's a moment when thing just get out of control, she's angry with me, at least that's what I knew. I lied to her, I guess I do wrong. Hell, I am as guilty as a murderer in a court room. There isn't any thing that can justify what I've did. I am guilty for the all mistakes I did. Then, its just crashed to the ground.

She choose what she believe, that I am a liar. And that's the moment when I realized. I need to go, just go. That she'd better off without me. 

So until now, I don't speak or interact with her. I don't know why. I guess I am just afraid that I will do the same mistakes again. I don't know really. For the record, being this way, doesn't make me feel any better. But from what I see, she's doing good without me. And frankly, that's all that matters.

Okay, enough about her, after that I just do all the things that came to my mind. I take a vacation, alone. Beach, mountains, even a traditional market. I need to see the world. I need to remembered that things are gonna be better. Somehow. So I take all of my absences quota, I am basically going off the grid. I am not interact with my friend. Loneliness is finally doing me a favor. Thanks for that.

After that I came to an opportunity, there's a job offer at my faculty and I take it. Short is, I finally got a work. I finally have a place that I am feel needed. That's something when you are in my position. I realized, that all I need is just do what I can to make my life better. I need to fix myself. Then hopefully, things would heal itself. 

Well, for most of the part its doing quite well, except for that "angels smile" girl. I don't know how to fix things between us. I guess, if this what destiny is, I am just gonna make sure. That I will do everything to make it count!!! I will run across hell if I have to. I have to be better than this. I can be better than this.

Yeah, so that's it. Its almost midnight, and I am still here. In front of my laptop, praying for the lady that have been in my every praying for the last 6 month. Wishing she's have a good night sleep and happily ever after. Cheesy right? Well, sorry, but I don't care. No offense bro!!!

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